Looking for: Disparaging inner voice who always sees the worst in me and ensures I never feel like I’m good enough

Qualifications: Inner voice who believes she has the right to criticize every aspect of who I am or who she thinks I am. She should dissect every conversation I have and point out anything I said that made me sound dumb. She must critique how I look, how I dress, my physicality, and especially the extra weight I carry. She should point out when I get annoyed as a caregiver, by the phone calls, the extra trips to the store, and reluctance to schedule appointments. She should comment on my inability to be a “good wife,” paying special attention to the nights I don’t cook, the days I leave dishes in the sink, the weeks I don’t vacuum, and when I lose my patience with my husband.

Method: Equally as important as what she says is when and how. It is preferable that the inner critic make her statements at inopportune times, such as in the middle of the night, before leaving the house for an event or date night, or when I’m already having a terrible day. She should also repeat her criticisms frequently to ensure they root themselves deep in my brain.

Performance review: Mildred, Inner Critic. Regardless of how specific Mildred’s critiques have been, she has yet to be correct. Her criticisms have not helped, not even once. In fact, out of the many, many things Mildred has pointed out, she has never made anything better.

Score: 0/10. Recommended action: Termination. It is my recommendation that Mildred should be terminated immediately. Her access to my brain should be cutoff. Reluctant concession: Mildred will likely show up anyway. Security should be on the lookout.